a bit of blather
Posted on June 24, 2008 - Filed Under Uncategorized
how do you ever know you made the right choice?
i’m here and i’m lonely and my job fell through. my boss hasn’t paid me for my training and he won’t give me a schedule -told me so to my face- and won’t call to say when i can work again, so i’m giving up and hoping he didn’t waste too much of my time for me to get another job soon. i’m going out tomorrow to try for the library or the little bookstore or other things like that where they’ll give me a real schedule.
i talked with anne and julie tonight on the phone for a little while and it was good and bad and made me realize how far away summer is from here. they were playing pool somewhere near akron and i was watching sex and the city with andrew, like i do every night. sometimes i go out on the porch at night with a book and a notebook and my ipod and just enjoy being outside, but mostly i stay in. i make pilgrimages to the library to return books and get new ones and mostly i stay inside. i’ve learned how to “online window shop” and i text people and i think.
tonight’s episode wasn’t much different than any other nights - four single girls out on the town together. but tonight it hurt. i miss girls and my guys and just being with a group of people. i miss girls nights with kayla and movie nights in jameson’s basement with the three j’s and talking on my porch on broadway with em or charles and going for sushi and long talks with kendra and indian with maria and going to the movies and having coffee on thursdays with katie and sam and hottubbing with nicole. i just miss. i miss.
i’m coming home this weekend for nicole’s wedding. we’re driving up on friday night, staying with his parents, going to the wedding on saturday, staying with my mom, having lunch with both sets of parents on sunday and then leaving. it’ll go by and break my heart so fast and then june will be over and only two more months til i pack up and move again - this time without kayla and sam to stay up til 2 am with me, writing obscenities on the boxes in sharpee. i’ll be in rochester -minus one boyfriend, plus a few amazing friends and a new college- far, far, farther from home and missing. breaking my heart again.
on the way to planned parenthood today i was talking to andrew about how i wished there were more good relationships in between 15 and now, just so i could feel like i lived more and took my time. everyone’s getting married, having children. i love andrew, but we’re so young and it’s been two years already.
two years.
i can’t believe it’s been that long already. i used to be 17 and ready to live in boston and be a writer on the commons, free among artists like me who yearned for something to put into the world. now boston feels like an ex boyfriend who wrenches me with floods of good memories interwoven with the bad and that was over a year ago i left. i never saw myself here, yet here i am. for better or for worse.
i may spend the summer jobless, unachored and drifting between sanfordville road and the library by day, driving in sunglasses and laughter with andrew to middletown, goshen, florida, monroe, by nights and weekends, counting down the days until someone visits or we go home and i don’t know how i feel about that yet.
i just know lonely and confused and quiet, hoping.
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